When I started university a year and a half ago, I didn’t know what I was doing. I enjoyed making short films at college and was obsessed with TV dramas so, on a whim one August morning, I decided to apply for a TV Production course through clearing. Half way through the year, I realised I hated it.

It may have been partially due to a series of bad things that happened in my personal life but either way I became depressed and university was no longer a place where I felt happy or safe. Looking back, I realise I should have left there and then but the fear of failure in me crawled out and I was determined to at least complete the year even if I hated every second of it.

I got on with all the people on the course and my decision to leave was not impacted by them; it was the course and university life that were my problems.

Even when I had finished that year, I still should have thought harder about whether going back to uni would be the best thing for me but instead I was determined to go back and be with my friends, so I chose the course that, if anything was going to make me happy, surely this would be it: Creative Writing.

I loved the course. I was learning new skills and techniques for my writing that I didn’t know before. I was learning what worked for me and my voice and what didn’t. But I felt trapped.

Everything I wrote was being judged by the tutors, the other students, and most importantly, me. Nothing felt good enough. I didn’t feel good enough. Fantasy was frowned upon because it was seen as escapism whereas good writing is supposed to bring a grounding reality to the reader (whereas I believe that fantasy is one of the best ways to bring a grounding reality to a reader). Romance was always a little too cliché to write about, so with both my niches out the window, I felt lost. It was like learning to write from the start all over again.

I also felt like an outsider. I didn’t see many of my friends from the year before anymore because I was on a different campus and didn’t want to go out drinking anymore. Very few of them got in contact with me once the new year started and I lost contact with them. Even people I had been very close to in halls weren’t around anymore.

I was also an outsider to the people on my course. Looking back, I know I could have tried harder to make friends but when you’re constantly in a swirl of anxiety and unsure of yourself, and everyone else seems to be making friends so quickly and easily, it’s hard to put yourself out there.

I had my housemates and closest friends who lived nearby, but even their support (and my friends really did give me the best support, I’ll always be grateful for them), I still felt lonely. I missed home and my family and my boyfriend. I felt like everything I loved was miles and miles away. I just wasn’t happy.

At Christmas, I thought I’d give it another go. I’d work hard on my coursework and see where it got me. In January, I was offered a late entry place at a university near home to do the same course and I accepted it so that I could be at home. But I knew I wouldn’t be happy there either. I’d always felt trapped at uni and in education. I wanted to get out there and start living my life. Earn money and save up for things.  Be able to spend time with my friends and family instead of worrying about coursework and exams and deadlines all the time, three hours’ drive away from home.

I wanted to live.

So, I left university once and for all. I moved back home, found a job, and got started on living my life. And I’m happy.

7 Things I Learned From 2016

1.       Don’t rely on a guy to feel beautiful. You are beautiful whether you have a guy (or girl) to tell you so, or not. At the end of 2015, I met a guy and fell head over heels for him. For a couple of months, I felt like everything was perfect. I felt truly beautiful and confident for the first time in my life, but I pinned it all on him. So, when he left last year, I fell apart. My self-confidence dropped lower than it ever had before.

Fortunately, I had amazing friends around me to support me and help build my confidence back up. Later, I met Tommy and he made everything completely perfect again but I know that even if I had never met him, I would still be just as beautiful and confident as I feel now. It’s good to feel this way when you love someone, but know that you are always beautiful whether there is a man or woman to tell you so, or not.

2.       Sometimes you need to let people go. At the time, you could be having the time of your life but if the friendship or relationship is not making you happier and healthier – if they make you cry more than smile – then they are not making a positive impact on your life and they need to go before they make a negative one.

3.       Sometimes you need to hold people close. You never know what could happen to the people you love. My mum got cancer and it was the scariest thing my family’s ever gone through, but we held each other close and loved each other and we got through it. Even if it’s not as big and scary a thing as cancer, we all need people we love in our lives and when things get hard, we all need someone to hug and talk to.

4.       Just because something ends, doesn’t mean it’s the end. After my previously mentioned relationship fell apart, I met the man I completely believe is the love of my life. Remember, whenever things hit rock bottom, that’s the lowest they can get. Things can only get better from there, and you will find your way out of the dark cave you’ve got lost in. It might take some time or some effort, but I promise things will always, always get better.

5.       Embrace the little miracles. Every day, think of something you’re grateful for. For most of last year, I kept a ‘gratitude log’ in my bullet journal where I wrote down something I was grateful for every night. By just remembering and taking the time to think about all the small day-to-day things that make us happy will have a huge impact on your mental health. Whenever I feel bad, all I have to do is look at my gratitude log and I feel better.

6.       Embrace the big miracles. In April 2016, my niece was born. Pandora Lily is the most clever, beautiful little girl I’ve ever cuddled and I am so grateful for her. My family is the most important thing to me and this new member of the family is everything. Every now and then, these big moments happen in our lives and we need to soak up every moment of it to remember for the rest of our lives.

7.       Do what you love, right now. At the start of last year, I was in the middle of the first year of a university course I hated. I chose TV Production because I was fascinated by the subject but once I started doing it, I quickly discovered it wasn’t for me. What I really wanted to do – and have always wanted to do my entire life – is write books. So, in September, I changed my course to Creative Writing and it’s seriously the perfect course for me. Writing is my life and now I get to write and learn about writing every single day. Don’t sit around dreaming about what you want to do for the rest of your life. Do it now. Get out there and follow your dreams because we only have this one life and we need to fill it with happiness.

New Year in Poole

Agh, I’m such a bad blogger! I wrote this post last week and completely forgot to upload it. And my only excuse is that I was too busy sitting around stuffing my face with Christmas chocolate and drinking pints of tea. But anyway, here is my first blog post of 2017.

I was fortunate enough this New Year to be whisked away to Poole by Tommy. We stayed in the Holiday Inn by the Dolphin shopping centre, which was super convenient because it was just across the road from where our coach dropped us off. It was lovely there, and we got a complimentary breakfast every morning which was perfect. Last time we were in Bournemouth, we had to go out for breakfast every morning which was a bit of a pain.

On New Year’s Eve, I wore the pinafore dress and knee-high boots that my parents got me for Christmas, along with my trusty Hogwarts crest t-shirt. I can’t talk enough about how much I love this outfit. Its just so comfy! And although the boots have a heel, they’re really easy to walk in and keep my legs lovely and toasty.

By the way, I know how awkward I look in this photo. But I loved this outfit so much that I felt like it needed sharing!

After breakfast, Tommy and I went out into the town to spend a little bit of Christmas money. With a New Year’s goal of experimenting more with make-up, I bought a new Nix lipstick in the shade ‘tea rose’ and a lip primer, hoping to make it last for longer. The lipstick I’d been wearing before had been really cheap and never lasted for more than twenty minutes. After trying my new lipstick later in the day, I was pleased to discover that it lasted a lot longer.

Once we’d finished shopping, we stopped in Starbucks for a little smoothie/hot chocolate date. The cranberry cheesecake muffins are my favourites. I need to know how to make them myself! If anyone has a recipe for these, please throw it my way.

We then had a walk down to the quay where we met Tommy’s dad and went for lunch. This also gave me an opportunity to take lots of pretty pictures when we walked around some of the old houses in the town.

When lunch was over, we went for a drive to the Sandbanks and gazed longingly at all the gorgeous big houses there. If only we could ever afford one of them! Then we went for a walk around Poole Park before heading back to the hotel. I was happy to kick my boots off by then, but we’d had a lovely afternoon.

In the evening, I wasn’t feeling too well but we went to Tommy’s friend’s house to celebrate New Year’s Eve, where we ate lots of tasty food and Tommy and I both played Pictionary for the first time ever.

On Sunday, I really wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t take any photos but we had another lovely day. We went to Tommy’s dad’s house where we ate pizza and I was shown photos of Tommy when he was little. It was a nice, relaxing New Year’s day.

I hope you all had a lovely start to the New Year too, and I wish you all an amazing 2017.